Hitchhiker
by missemmatorchwood
Summary: What can make all your dreams come true, creating perfect happiness for the rest of your life?
1. Chapter 1

**Hitchhiker**

Chapter One

"Jack?" Tosh activated her comms link. "We have a Rift alert."

"How long do we have?" Jack's voice was slightly muffled. Tosh had no way of knowing that he was currently nuzzling the neck of a certain sexy and half-naked Welshman down in the Archives.

Tosh knew exactly what Jack was doing… she'd seen him hurry nonchalantly across the Hub and disappear down the stairs about fifteen minutes earlier, heading for his usual mid-morning interlude with Ianto. She thought it cute that the men thought no-one knew what they were up to even though they both vanished like clockwork into the Archives each morning and afternoon.

"There's something coming through the Rift in roughly forty-five minutes," she responded. "Projections say it'll land on the shore near the Wetlands Reserve. You'll probably need Wellies for this one."

"Gotcha…" Jack unsuccessfully bit back a moan as Ianto's lips began an assault on his naked chest. "Wellies…" The link went dead, something Tosh was quite pleased about.

Thirty minutes later, Jack and Ianto appeared from the lower levels, Jack wearing a satisfied smirk on his face and Ianto with a shy smile as he went into the kitchen to make coffee.

"Okay, Tosh," Jack propped a hip on the corner of her desk. "Still on for the Wetlands?"

Tosh nodded. "You have about eighteen minutes before touchdown. Looks like it'll be pretty close to the shore, but you're still going to need those Wellies."

"Okay!" Jack jumped to his feet and clapped his hands. "Let's go!"

"Not me!" Owen's voice floated up from the Autopsy Bay. "Shoulder-deep in that Velopsin from yesterday."

"Fine, just means more fun for us." Jack accepted a travel mug of freshly brewed coffee from Ianto, shifting it from hand to hand as he slipped his arms through the sleeves of the greatcoat Ianto held for him. "Gwen, ready?"

"At your beck and call, my liege," she grinned. "Ianto, are you sure we have boots in the SUV? I do _not_ want to ruin these shoes, I just got them Sunday." She lifted her leg so everyone could admire her footwear. "Rhys bought them for me."

"Rhys has very good taste in shoes, and there are always boots in the compartment under the back seat," Ianto reassured her.

"Tosh, I'll let you know when we arrive," Jack jingled the car keys. "You can guide us in."

"Go safely and happy hunting," she nodded.

"I'm telling you, Tosh, there's nothing out here!" Jack sloshed gently through the water, taking care to not disturb several aquatic birds' nests in the reeds nearby.

"And I'm telling you the trajectory of whatever-it-is puts it less than two feet from where you're standing." Tosh tried to keep the annoyance from her voice; they'd been looking unsuccessfully for nearly half an hour.

Grunting with frustration Jack turned back to the bed of reeds and began carefully looking through them. Without warning a small cloud of pollen and dust exploded in his face and he began to sneeze over and over again. After blowing his nose several times – grateful for the clean white hankie Ianto insisted he always keep in his pocket – Jack keyed his comms.

"Okay, we're done here," he announced, stuffing his rather moist hankie back in his trouser pocket – something Ianto would find with great distaste later that night when he gathered the laundry.

"Did you find it, Jack?" Tosh asked. "What is it?"

"Tosh, I'm telling you, there's nothing here." Jack was adamant. "It must have disintegrated." He could hear Tosh's deep sigh and could picture her pursing her lips as she pulled up the Rift predictor program to scour it for information.

"Back to the car, kids," Jack called out. "We're going home!"

"Can we stop for ice cream, Dad?" Gwen's voice was high-pitched and child-like.

"Yeah, Tad, can we?" Ianto chimed in. "We've been good!"

"Isn't it a bit early in the day…" Jack tried to ask but was quickly interrupted.

"Chocolate for me!" Owen bellowed over the comms.

Jack, Ianto and Gwen all winced in unison at the volume. "You don't have to yell, Owen," Gwen complained. "It's not like you're shouting across the Bay!"

"Tosh?" Ianto's voice was much quieter. "What can we bring back for you?"

"I'd love a sherbet, orange if they have it, or lemon if they don't."

Half an hour later the team were back in the Hub; they'd stopped at the new ice cream parlour on the Plass, a mere five minutes' walk from the invisible lift. Gwen carried the requested ice cream treats up to the boardroom while Ianto took Jack's greatcoat up to his office and shook it out before hanging it on the antique carved wooden Victorian coatrack in the corner. He didn't notice the small particle that flew from the coat's sleeve to land on his shirt collar and then move up to his hairline at the base of his skull.

Watching Jack shovel a large bite of his banana split into his mouth, leaving a smear of whipped cream in its corner, Ianto had to force himself to stay in his seat and not jump up to lick his lover's lips clean. As he spooned a small bite of pistachio ice cream into his own mouth and let it melt across his tongue, he could feel himself getting drowsy, the room growing quiet around him, everything beginning to fade away.

"Ianto!" Jack called out. "The Port Authority has cleared us for docking, come watch this."

Locking down the storage hatch in one of the rear compartments, Ianto hurried forward to the cockpit and strapped himself into the co-pilot's seat. He never got tired of seeing the various space stations they visited in their travels – no two were the same, some were works of art and architecture, some just looked like giant floating warehouses.

He watched as a long arm suddenly shot out from the startlingly white space station – this one reminded him of an enormous wedding cake with four levels, each smaller than the one beneath it – and a suction cup-like end formed itself to the underside of their ship. Jack immediately cut the engines and let the arm guide them into the station's docking bay.

Ianto keyed the ship's log and spoke quietly. "Stardate 4723 point 7 slash 9. HMS Myfanwy has arrived at Space Station Tamworth-Whittamore in the Salak Galaxy. We hope to trade a few Wexian crystals for at least one new food replicator disk, hopefully two." He closed the log and turned to Jack.

"Before we leave there's a new speciality shop that's been open in the third tier for a while now that I need to visit. I've been in contact with the Zocci who owns it and she promises to have a case each of freshly roasted Jamaican Blue, Hawaiian Kona and some quite rare Ethiopian Wild Sidamo coffee beans for me."

"Zocci? Really? Can't imagine a walking talking spiky six-foot Zocci running a shop. Wouldn't think they'd have the patience for it; they get bored so easily."

"Suffantalakin has owned the shop for over a decade. She specialises in finding Old Earth luxuries like these beans. Course they're all grown in laboratories on Pukarua Seven but they're still real honest-to-goodness coffee beans." Ianto frowned. "I'm so tired of replicator coffee."

Jack beamed at the news. He sorely missed Ianto's delicious coffee and they'd run out of beans almost a year ago. "I'm coming with you then, I wanna see what else she has to offer!"

Ianto smiled indulgently at him. "You know, rumour has it she's found a black market source for Chocolate Hob-Nobs. Don't know if it's true or how close to the real thing they are, but I'd like to find out."

"Really?!" Jack could feel his mouth beginning to water. The chocolate their food replicator produced was truly abysmal and they'd only tried it once it was so disgusting. The idea of getting something even close to the real thing was exciting to say the least.

Thirty minutes later their ship was securely docked and being fuelled and serviced by the cyborg mechanics on the base level, Jack and Ianto had been to the second level and were now properly registered as visitors and now they were strolling hand-in-hand through the merchant's level on the third tier of the space station. The walkways and passages were teeming with life, some human but the majority of shoppers were aliens of all shapes, sizes and colours. Seeing the myriad species anywhere they went was so intriguing and was one of Ianto's favourite parts of travelling the Universe with Jack. They'd visited hundreds of planets, moons and space stations and he was always discovering new species.

Ianto was busy watching a family of Cresoots, a large weasel-like race, eating something on sticks when suddenly he felt himself being yanked sideways. "Jack!"

"Look at this, Yan!" Jack pulled him into a small shop filled with row upon row of bolts of fabric in every colour, texture and material imaginable. They were immediately greeted by a tall blue alien with four arms.

"How may I help you gentlemen?" it asked in a posh British accent.

Jack stared at it for a moment, slightly taken aback by the accent; the alien sounded like Queen Charlotte the Twelfth, monarch of New Old Britain. "Umm… we'd like some new clothes please."

"Certainly, Sir." The tailor pulled a well-used measuring tape from one of the pouches around its middle. "What are you thinking about?"

"Shirts and trousers for me, I guess," Jack looked at Ianto who nodded his approval.

Seeing the rows of woollen fabric, Ianto was struck by a thought. "Do you by any chance have the patterns for a three-piece suit… jacket, waistcoat, trousers?" he asked curiously. Even after more than two thousand years of wearing clothing that was comfortable, serviceable and durable that they picked up from whatever locale they happened to be visiting, the idea of wearing a proper, old-fashioned suit gave him a shiver of anticipation.

"Certainly, Sir. Which era would you prefer?" The tailor was busy measuring Jack from head to two, using two hands to move the tape about his body while his other two hands were writing down all the measurements.

"Early 21st century please." Ianto moved away to examine several bolts of fabric that caught his eye.

"Of course, Sir." Having finished with Jack, the tailor put his tape, notepad and pen back in his pouches and came to stand by Ianto. "May I suggest the charcoal pinstripe, Sir?" He pointed at several bolts in various shades of charcoal grey with varying widths of darker pinstriping.

Jack appeared at Ianto's elbow carrying three bolts of fabric in light, medium and dark blue. "Which one do you like the best?"

Ianto didn't need any time to consider. "This one," and he chose the medium. "Brings out your eyes, Cariad. Now, which of these two do you prefer?"

Memories of slowly undressing his Welshman, layer upon layer coming off to reveal his body flooded Jack's mind and for a moment he felt weak in the knees. It had been millennia since he'd seen Ianto in a three-piece suit with complimentary shirt and tie. "Tha…" He cleared his throat. "I like them both…" He turned to the tailor. "We'll take one of each."

"That's too much, Jack!" Ianto protested. "Where will I ever wear even one?"

Pulling Ianto in close to him, Jack whispered, "In our bedroom, Yan, but only for a few minutes before I have you naked and mine."

Ianto blushed bright red as he pictured exactly what Jack was proposing. "Erm…" He turned to the tailor. "Shirts and ties?"

"Certainly, Sir. The fabric for gentlemen's shirts is to your left and we have a fine selection of silk ties over by the front window." The tailor pulled out his tape measure, notepad and pen. "But first allow me to gather your measurements so that we may begin your order."

"Make sure you get his arse just right," Jack grinned cheekily. "No baggy trouser butts for my Welshman!"

Ianto face-palmed. "Dear God, Jack! Not here!" He could feel the heat from his face climbing to redden his ears.

The tailor never batted an eye as he continued with his task. "It's all right, Sir, we get all manner of personal requests here."

"See!" Jack grinned triumphantly. He hadn't realised how much he'd missed seeing Ianto properly dressed in suit and tie. "Oh! Ties! Me! I get to pick the ties!" Jack was off to the window display in a flash. "I know just what I want!"

"I need to choose the shirts first, Cariad," Ianto tried to explain but to no avail. He shrugged, it really didn't matter. Jack had always had excellent taste when buying ties for him and he suspected that only a few would actually be for wearing, the others would become fodder for Jack's fantasies.

Loud laughter caught Ianto's attention and he gave himself a good shake; he'd been thinking about something… it was right on the tip of his brain… and then it was gone. He hated when that happened. '_It'll come to me when I'm not thinking about it_,' he reassured himself. For some reason it felt important that he remember, but he didn't know why. _'Oh well,_' he shrugged and ate the last spoonful of his ice cream.

"All right, team," Jack clapped his hands. "Time to get back to work."

"Just leave the dishes," Ianto advised. "I'll put them in a bag of their own so we don't draw ants or anything."

Glad to leave the clean-up to Ianto – as usual – Tosh, Owen and Gwen filed out of the boardroom and down the stairs. As they approached the door Jack put a hand on Ianto's arm, holding him back from the others.

"What would you say to dinner at that new Indian that's opened across the Bay?" Jack wrapped his arm around Ianto's waist, pulling his lover into his side.

Ianto smiled. "I'd say hello," he responded with the usual line. "However, I'd prefer getting it to go and we'll enjoy it at home. The new series of 'Dancing on Ice' starts tonight with that new judge, Barrowman, I think his name is."

"Oooo!" Jack grinned happily. "I'd forgotten about that! Isn't he that American who was on it years ago, says he's qualified to judge cos he's been there, done that?"

"That's the one," Ianto nodded. "It should be a very interesting series. Apparently he can be quite… interesting."

"Love the way you think, Yan," Jack kissed the side of his head. "Sounds like a plan to me!"

Neither man noticed the small speck that floated from Ianto's collar onto Jack's.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hitchhiker**

Chapter Two

Having seen Ianto off to the Archives, checked on Owen and his alien autopsy, chatted with Tosh about the next expected Rift gift and deftly avoided Gwen's attempt to press her breasts against his arm, Jack was up in his office tackling a series of reports that Ianto needed approving before the two of them had their quarterly meeting with Queen Elizabeth. Her Majesty liked to be kept abreast of Torchwood's efforts and Jack and Ianto were invited to afternoon tea to tell her of their latest exploits. As a child she'd loved hearing stories about the adventures of Torchwood's agents as told by her grandfather, King George V, who'd heard the tales from one of the advisors to his grandmother Queen Victoria herself.

"Come on, old girl, you know we do this every morning," Jack soothed as he slipped his hand beneath Brychen and pulled out her freshly laid egg but not before she'd pecked him a good one. The other five hens had willingly given up their eggs but not Brychen. She was their first chicken, a Speckledy and Ianto had named her based on her beautiful spotted feathers. Jack had voted for naming her Grouchy; normally a sweet, docile breed, Brychen was decidedly the complete opposite but Ianto had insisted that their hens all have appropriate Welsh names, so when the second bird arrived he chose to name her Delyth, meaning pretty, and she was a Croad Langshan with black feathers that sometimes looked dark blue in the sunlight.

Quickly deciding that two laying hens weren't enough, Ianto had next chosen a pair of buff-coloured Orpingtons; the farmer had told them that the Queen Mother was a keeper of this breed. Ianto named them Ebrill and Mai because they were hatched in April and May, respectively. The last two additions to their flock were entirely Jack's doing; he'd been visiting a neighbouring farmer and noticed the man had a number of tiny Japanese Bantam chickens. After bartering with the man's wife, he ended up trading a basket of Ianto's best tomatoes for two chicks because he loved the extravagant plumage the adults wore, especially their long tail feathers. He'd ignored Ianto's suggestions and named these two himself, choosing Japanese names, naturally – Mio or cherry blossom and Toshiko, meaning important child.

"Where did you come up with these names," Ianto had asked. "I thought we agreed we were going to give them all Welsh names."

"You can't give Japanese girls Welsh names, Yan," Jack had shaken his head with disapproval. "I Googled it and picked two that I thought sounded pretty and had nice meanings."

"You do realise that these are bantam chickens and they'll be about half the size of the others," Ianto cocked his head, "and they are going to lay very small eggs, right?"

Jack thought for a second – he vaguely remembered the farmer's wife saying something along those lines but he'd forgotten all about it – and then decided to bluster on. "I knew that, of course I knew that. I think their eggs will be cute, all little and stuff. You'll see…"

As Jack left the hen house he met Ianto coming up from the barn carrying a bucket filled with fresh milk. Myfanwy had been their next addition to their little farm, and she adored Ianto, readily giving up her milk for him each morning and evening while he sang softly to her; her favourites were old hymns and Welsh lullabies. She refused to have anything to do with Jack, thinking him far too loud and his movements too big and when he'd tried milking her she'd kicked over the bucket and then let out a long, loud and smelly fart when he'd gone to retrieve the bucket from just behind her. Watching from the doorway, Ianto had fallen down in the hay, laying there helpless with laughter.

"I'm going to churn some butter this afternoon; I've collected enough cream I think."

"Yum!" Jack held out the egg basket. "How about soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers for breakfast?"

When they got to the backdoor of their cottage they paused and looked out over their small farm with its barn and cow pasture beyond, and the hen house, secure from predators that might want a tasty chicken dinner. There was a good-sized garden that provided a bounty of vegetables for canning and freezing and Jack was in the process of building a small pigsty next to that.

"Just think of the bacon, Yan!" he'd enthused over dinner one night. "We could have ham and pork chops and roasts and all kinds of stuff!"

Ianto's cooler head prevailed. "You will have to have the animal slaughtered in order to get those things." He looked at Jack over his coffee mug. "That means you cannot give your pig a name cos then it'll become a pet in your mind just like all the other creatures here and you won't be able to take it to the butcher."

Alarm came over Jack's face as he realised what he was getting into, but then the thought of bacon took the lead and he shrugged nonchalantly. "I knew that." Even though he continued to work on building the small shed he didn't bring up getting a pig again.

Standing there in the early morning sunshine, surveying their kingdom, Jack put his arm around his beloved Welshman and kissed him. "We are the luckiest people in the world," he said quietly. "I cannot imagine a more perfect place to grow old with you."

"We'll sit in our rocking chairs on the front porch and watch the world go by together," Ianto promised.

"Yeah," Jack sighed happily. "And when the end comes we'll go together, hand in hand."

"Yep," and Ianto popped the 'P' just the way Jack liked it. "Together always."

"Jack?" His comms came to life, startling him from his reverie which left him feeling both happy and sad as it quickly faded away.

"Umm… Yup?" He shook his head, giving up on trying to remember what he'd just been thinking about. "I'm here."

Ianto chuckled. "I'm on my way up in a few minutes. Decide what you all want for lunch and I'll get delivery. Make it pizza or Chinese, I've got too much to do down here today and I'm not waiting on a bunch of deliveries. It's one or the other. Be firm when you ask, especially with Owen. You know he'll want something else just to be difficult."

Jack bounded down stairs. "Okay, kids, lunch time. Meat Feast or Chinese, Tosh?" He stopped by her desk first.

She took off glasses and thought for a moment. "Chinese please, house fried rice with extra shrimp and egg flower soup."

Owen paused the video game he was playing and yelled up from the Autopsy Bay. "Meat Feast, extra pepperoni and lots of cheese!"

Jack shook his head. "I asked Tosh first and she chose Chinese. You can have pizza tomorrow. Pick something from The Crispy Duck's menu so Ianto can order!" He turned toward Gwen. "What do you want?"

Gwen had been sitting at her desk pretending to work on her unfinished reports but she'd been scheming about how to get Jack to notice the way her new low-cut sweater showed off her bosom. She'd finally decided that if she accidentally tripped just as she got close to him Jack would naturally catch her in his arms. Gwen knew it was just a matter of time before her many feminine charms caught his attention and they would become an item.

"Well…" As she stood up Gwen tugged her sweater down in the front, put on her most beguiling smile and widened her eyes as she looked at Jack. Two steps into her plan she stepped on the marker that Owen had thrown at her earlier in the day when she'd suggested that he stop shooting aliens in his new video game and try doing some actual work for a change. In the verbal exchange that followed she'd completely forgotten about the marker but now her foot landed on it and slipped dangerously, her ankle twisting painfully and she lost her balance and instead of falling gracefully into Jack's arms she ended up flat on her butt.

"Oh, Gwen!" Jack tried not to laugh as he dashed to her side. "Are you all right?"

She looked up at him, her cheeks red with embarrassment; things were not going as planned. "Um… yeah, I think so…" She mentally checked herself; her butt was a bit sore from landing on the metal grating of the floor.

Jack held out his hand to help her stand up, easily pulling her to her feet. "There you go. Let's get you back in your chair, all right?"

"OW!" she cried out as she took that first step. "My ankle! I think it's broken!"

"Owen!" Jack called out as he knelt down next to Gwen.

"What?"

Ianto arrived on the Hub's floor, took one look and turned to the Autopsy Bay. "Gwen's hurt, she needs you."

Owen paused his video game and ran up the stairs, stopping when he saw Gwen on the floor. "So, what? You've fallen and you can't get up?" and he cackled with laughter.

"She's hurt her ankle," Tosh told him, fighting to keep from giggling at his words.

Owen dropped to his knees, immediately in doctor-mode and carefully probed Gwen's ankle.

"OW!" Gwen wailed. "I know it's broken!"

"It's not broken, you silly cow, so stop your belly-aching." Owen's tone was gruff. "Bring her downstairs and I'll wrap it up.

"Here, come on," Jack put his arm around Gwen's waist, brought her to her feet and helped her hobble across the Hub and down to Owen's medical lair.

No one saw the tiny object that leapt from Jack's shoulder to Gwen's hair and then moved down to the nape of her neck.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Gwen Cooper looked over at the man cowering by her office door. "You, worm," she spoke in a harsh tone and then smiled with satisfaction when she saw him wince in fear. "Coffee, now!" The man nodded silently and then scurried from the room, his slippered feet making no sound as he went down the stairs.

"Now then," she looked at the other man in her office, her voice sultry and her eyes wide and beguiling. "I do believe I feel a bit of tension forming in my neck; perhaps your magic hands could do something about that?"

Wearing nothing more than a G-string, the tiniest scrap of scarlet-coloured silk able to contain his ample package, Jack Harkness lay sprawled across the sofa opposite the desk, positioned so that whenever Gwen looked up from her work he was on display, his goods on offer. "Your wish is my command, my gracious queen." He rose with sinuous grace and paused to stretch, giving her time to admire his body. "And perhaps later you may enjoy using my manhood to pleasure yourself? You know it is at your disposal any time you wish for I am ready, willing and able."

Gwen leered openly as Jack sauntered over to her and the moment he was within range she reached out and fondled his crotch and then squeezed his butt. "You know I will." She leaned forward. "Now make with the magic fingers, stud muffin."

Jack flexed his hands and began massaging his Mistress' shoulders, his movements sure and soothing; he could feel Gwen start to relax, little moaning sounds coming from her every now and again. He looked up as the office door slowly opened and Ianto crept in on his slippered feet, setting a mug of freshly brewed coffee down on the desk. As he was leaving he suddenly sneezed, jolting Gwen from her drowsy state.

She jerked upright, flaying out her arm, catching the mug and spilling coffee onto her laptop. She jumped up, sending her chair flying backwards, slamming Jack into the wall causing him to smack his head painfully into the brick and see stars for a moment.

"Look what you did, you stupid bastard!" Gwen shrieked. "You'll pay for this! Now get out of my sight!" She threw the stapler at him, followed by the tape dispenser and then her pen cup.

Trying to make himself as small a target as possible, Ianto scurried from the room, whimpering pathetically, knowing there would be retribution in his future.

"Hey, calm down," Jack eased Gwen back into her chair. "You don't want to make frown lines in that gorgeous face of yours." He slipped his hands beneath the collar of her blouse, digging his fingers into the tight muscles around her neck. "Come on, relax… that's it. Relaaaaxxx…"

"Aaaahhhh…" Gwen let out a deep breath, feeling her tension melting away again.

"That's my girl," Jack spoke softly. "Let it all go…" He could tell by the deepening of her breathing that she was almost asleep. "You work too hard, my sweet, keeping the world safe from alien invasion all by yourself." His voice was a whisper now, Gwen putty in his hands.

BRINNNNGGGG

The sound of the telephone ringing brought Gwen upright in a flash as she automatically grabbed the receiver. "WHAT?"

The voice on the other end of the line was so quiet, so timid that Gwen almost couldn't hear it. "Something's coming through the Rift; it will land on the Plass in seven minutes. It's large, probably a ship."

Adrenaline surged through Gwen's veins and she pulled her firearm from her desk drawer, stood and kissed Jack soundly, then rushed out to stand on the landing looking down into the Hub.

"Attention, everyone!" she called out, knowing that her team would drop whatever they were doing instantly to come and stand below her to hear her announcement. Sure enough, within moments, Rhys, Andy and Owen were all gathered together, looking up, their adoration for her shining from their eyes as they worshipped her from below.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ianto lurking in the shadows and she grinned when she saw him cringer further back in an effort to escape her notice. "You, worm! Get out here, now!"

Trying to make himself look as small as possible, Ianto crept out into the light. "Yes, Mistress?" he whispered.

"Get up here and clean up the mess you made on my desk!" She looked around. "Where's Tosh?"

Toshiko slipped into view, having hidden behind a pillar, hoping against hope that Gwen wouldn't want her. "Yes, Mistress?"

"I need a new laptop; top-of-the-line, all the bells and whistles, on my desk when I get back from saving the world yet again."

"Yes, Mistress," and Tosh rushed away, glad that that was all Gwen had wanted her for.

"And worm?" Gwen turned her attention back to Ianto. "That laptop is coming out of your pay!"

As he went into the cupboard for cleaning supplies, Ianto wept softly. He already made next to nothing, he lived in his car and survived on the scraps of uneaten takeaway and barely edible leftovers from the Hub's refrigerator as it was. Having to pay hundreds of pounds for Gwen's new laptop would probably ruin him completely and for the hundredth time he considered driving his car off the pier into Cardiff Bay, sinking into the icy water, finding peace in the cold darkness; the only thing that kept him from doing that was he didn't have any gas in the car in the first place.

"Okay, boys," Gwen sashayed down the stairs, making sure her hips swayed seductively. "It's time to go kill some aliens, although I was thinking that this time we leave one alive so it can go back wherever it came from and tell the rest that this world is defended!"

Rhys, Andy and Owen all raised their fists in the air and cheered loudly. Gwen always knew the right thing to do, she was so much smarter than any of them and they would be lost without her. Quickly they gathered their gear and prepared to follow her to the surface.

"Oh, and Jack?" Gwen paused at the cog door and looked up at Jack, standing on the landing.

"Yes, Mistress?" He gazed down at her with lust in his eyes.

"You'd better be downstairs in my bed, naked and ready when I get back. You know killing aliens always makes me horny."

"Of course, Mistress!" Jack spun around and disappeared into the office, already stripping off his G-string. She caught a glimpse of perfect naked arse before she led the way out of the Hub, gun drawn and at the ready.

Gwen shook her head, pushing away the fuzzy feeling she was experiencing. She wondered if Owen might have given her something for pain, but it didn't quite feel like that. It was more the sensation she was slowly forgetting something she probably should remember.

"Okay, Cooper, let's try putting some weight on that ankle." Owen rolled his stool back, giving Gwen room to slide off the exam table and stand on the floor. As she gingerly began to put weight on her injured ankle Owen put his hand on her shoulder to steady her. "How's that feel?"

Gwen was actually surprised at how little pain there was. "Not too bad, I guess."

"It was just a minor sprain, keep it bandaged tonight and I'll check on it again tomorrow."

"Okay, thanks, Owen," Gwen gave him a quick hug before walking carefully out of the Autopsy Bay.

Neither one noticed when a small speck left Gwen's blouse to land on Owen's lab coat.

Flexing his fingers, cramped from writing up the medical report on Gwen's injury, Owen stretched his arms over his head and rolled his head, relaxing the muscles. "I've just earned myself some quality me time." Rolling his stool over to his desk he transferred to his ergonomic chair, cued up his latest video game and picked up the controller then sat back, ready to go into battle with the insidious aliens intent on invading Earth.

Triumphant in his latest victory, Owen saved his game and advanced to the next level. He wondered briefly when lunch would arrive – '_What did I order again?'_ – and began creeping through the streets of Glasgow, deserted in light of the alien invasion, peeking around corners, senses heightened, guns at the ready.

When the view started to become cloudy, he thought it was just a fog bank, intended to make this new level harder, he just blinked, trying to focus on the monitor in front of him. He vaguely heard his stomach growling in the distance but then nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hitchhiker**

Chapter Four

The man leaned back and stretched his arms out, reclining on the underwater bench in the over-sized hot tub, allowing the many jets to shoot hot water all over his body. '_The Jacuzzi is one of the best things man ever invented,'_ he sighed. '_Just brilliant.'_

"Oh, Owen, you are such a beautiful man, so virile, so sexy." A beautiful young blonde woman wearing just bikini bottoms slid into the water next to the man and ran her hands over his chest, tracing his six-pack abs. "I am such a lucky girl."

"Yes, Katie," Owen tenderly caressed the side of her face. "Yes, you are." He looked down as a Nubian beauty similarly dressed entered the bath and began massaging his feet, hr long, elegant fingers working on just the right pressure points. "Oh, God, Martha, you know exactly what a man needs!"

Classic Middle Eastern music began playing in the background, the haunting melody from an oboe-like instrument, the Mizmar, announcing the arrival of two more topless women, both with shoulder-length dark brown hair, wearing low-slung beaded belts adorned with coins and fringes and with multiple chiffon scarves floating about which they slowly pulled away in time to the music. They stepped and swayed in perfect unison, their hips undulating gently and their bodies making slow circular movements in a perfect and erotic seduction of their beloved man.

The music over and the dance complete, the women dropped their hip belts to the floor and then the water rippled as they joined Katie and Martha in worshipping Owen's body as they too began to gently wash him.

"Diane, Gwen, why don't you add some of that bath soap near the jet over there and see what happens?" Owen suggested, watching as the dancers did just that. The girls cried out with delight as hundreds and hundreds of bubbles were created and they playfully blew handfuls of them at one another.

"You know, girls, it just occurred to me that the bubbles might make it a bit slippery for you two to hold on to each other. Why don't you give it a try, see what happens, see if I'm right." Diane and Gwen began to wrestle playfully, always eager to perform for their master's enjoyment and Owen grinned with approval. "Oh yeah, that's the stuff!"

"Owen, you are so naughty!" Katie lightly slapped at her man's arm.

"Yeah, but you love me for it," he replied, confident in his role as master of his domain, a man blessed with his own private harem of beautiful, willing females.

"Yes, we do!" the four women chimed in perfect unison. 

A fifth woman appeared, this one a raven-haired Japanese beauty who knelt by the side of the Jacuzzi next to Owen's head. "Let me wash your hair, my love; you always enjoy a scalp massage while in the bath."

As her talented fingers began rubbing his scalp, Owen could feel himself getting more and more relaxed. "Oooo…" he moaned. "Tosh, you have some of the best fingers around."

"Anything for you, my master," Toshiko purred into his ear. "We are here to satisfy your every wish."

"Anything for you, master," the other four woman echoed as they worshipped the man of their dreams. "You are so wonderful and we love you so much!"

"Owen!" Tosh leaned over the railing above the Autopsy Bay. "I've been calling you!"

"Huh…" Owen jerked into awareness, nearly dropping his game controller, not sure when he'd fallen asleep, cos he didn't feel like he'd taken a nap. There was something niggling at the edge of his mind but the more he tried to catch it the further away it got. He finally gave up. "What?"

"I asked if you would please come up and look at this artefact Ianto found down in Archives last night." Tosh tried to maintain her patience but sometimes with Owen it was rather difficult. "It might be a piece of medical equipment."

The last two words caught Owen's attention and brought him to his feet. "Oh yeah? Let's see!" He bounded up the stairs and followed Toshiko to her desk, pulling a spare chair over to sit close to her.

"The computer has finished examining it and Mainframe has found some symbols on it that match those on your Bekaran scanner." Tosh brought up the information on the large monitor and pointed. "See these here?" She handed him the artefact, which looked like a plastic laser beam gun, a cheap prop from the worst science fiction film ever made.

Bringing the artefact close to his face, Owen squinted at it and then leaned in against Tosh, pushing her out of his way while he peered at the screen. "Hmmm…" He compared another set of symbols, and then a third. "You might be right," he conceded. "There's at least seven sets that match up. I wonder what it does…" He flipped the 'gun' this way and that, looking for buttons or triggers, anything that might activate it.

Neither Tosh nor Owen noticed when a small object came off Owen's lab coat onto her shoulder.

"Oh, Doctor Harper, I don't know what I would do without you! You are just wonderful!" the elderly lady gushed, preening like a teen-ager. "You've done it again, you and your amazing machine!" She raised her arms over her head and stretched. "I haven't been able to do this for so long!"

Owen looked up from his keyboard. "It's always a pleasure treating someone as sweet as you, Mrs Jones."

"Well, thank you. You know, the community is so lucky to have you and your beautiful wife here with us. You could have stayed in that big unfriendly city, I'm sure you could have made a lot of money there."

"Money doesn't buy happiness." There was a quiet tap on the door and Toshiko poked her head in. Owen looked up and smiled warmly. "This, Mrs Jones, this beautiful woman is what true happiness is," and he got up to kiss and hug his wife.

"Oh, Owen," Tosh was tickled by his declaration. "Now, Mrs Jones, may I walk you out?"

"See you in three months," Owen called out as the women left the exam room, "or sooner if you need me!"

After seeing the elderly patient out the front door, Tosh locked it behind her and turned off the front office lights. After powering down her computer and gathering a few files, Tosh went back to find her husband, locating him in his own office, busily entering data into patient files.

"I take it that using that new cream the Philoxian ambassador gave us with the sonic vibration wand is working well. Mrs Jones had quite the spring in her step." She smiled impishly. "I do believe that sweet old lady has a crush on you."

"Yeah, well, there's only one woman for me, thank you very much. But you're right, he wasn't joking when he said it was excellent for helping the elderly with muscle mobility and strength." He grinned up at her. "I tried a bit of it on my lower back earlier, made me feel like a new man," and he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I could show you later if you want?"

Tosh giggled like a schoolgirl. Even after eighteen years of marriage he could still make her feel like it was their first date. "Here's the final research on the Mukleon regenerator you asked for. I'm so glad Torchwood gave it to us; I think its potential for re-growing dead tissue is quite remarkable and very promising. It could really change a lot of people's lives."

"Brilliant!" Owen took the file and glanced through it before adding it to the stack on his desk. "I'll talk to Joseph Nesbitt tomorrow, see if he's interested in being my first patient. He's the one with the badly burned leg, remember? We treated him about eight years ago?"

"Oh, yes, poor man." Tosh shook her head sadly. "I don't think he's ever been camping again since he caught his trousers alight trying to put out his campfire. You know, he and his kids used to go every weekend no matter the weather; said the worse the day the better the adventure."

Owen got up and wrapped his arms around his wife. "I have to say I am so glad we decided to leave London and move to Cardiff. This clinic is the perfect way to use the alien medicine and medical artefacts that Torchwood retrieves from the Rift. Twice a week here, three days in the research lab and then two days all to ourselves."

"Our two days started three minutes ago, Doctor Harper," Tosh teased.

A quick glance over his shoulder told Owen that it was indeed 5.03 pm and past quitting time. "Well, how about we go have dinner at the French place over by St David's and then go dancing for a while?"

"You do know how to sweet-talk a girl, you handsome devil." After a slow promising kiss Tosh turned around. "Let me get my coat and purse and then I'm all yours, husband." Tosh didn't know what she'd done for the Universe to bless her with such a loving, romantic man for a husband but she would be eternally grateful.

Up in his office Jack caught the faint but oh-so-familiar whooshing sound that preceded the TARDIS' arrival and he was on his feet and down on the Hub's main floor in a flash. As he leapt onto the invisible lift and used his wrist strap to set it in motion he failed to notice the astonished looks he received from his team.

The sound of Jack's boots thundering down the stairs brought Tosh out of her trance with a start. Shaking her head, she took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. '_I must have been staring at the screen too long.' _The feeling that she was forgetting something important came over her but the sight of Jack rising majestically into the rafters caught her attention and she turned to watch him disappear.

The Doctor had landed the TARDIS within a few feet of the lift's paving stone and he was waiting, leaning casually against her closed doors as Jack appeared and he stepped forward as soon as he saw his old friend.

"Doctor!" Jack was overjoyed. It had been a long time since the Time Lord's last visit and the immortal had missed him terribly. "It's so good to see you!" He wrapped his arms around the Doctor and hugged him tightly. "You know, when we don't hear from you for so long we start to worry. What have you been up to?"

"Oh a bit of this, some of that, a lot of running… you know how it goes." The Doctor shrugged. "All of it exciting as usual."

"What are you doing on Earth this time?" Jack suddenly frowned. "Not expecting trouble, are you?" He cast an anxious eye to the skies as if expecting alien invasion at any moment.

"No, nothing like that, not this visit." The Doctor shook his head decisively. "Just in the neighbourhood, Martha hasn't seen her family for a while so I thought I'd top off the old girl before heading back out again."

"And by neighbourhood you mean the Milky Way galaxy, right?" Jack wondered and then his tone turned teasing. "Or did you get lost again and you're using Earth as a navigation point?"

"Well, you know me…" The Time Lord actually seemed a bit embarrassed.

"Yes, yes, I do!" Jack laughed as they stepped on the invisible lift and it began its descent. As soon as their heads had cleared the opening, Jack called out, "Hey kids! Look what Santa brought!"

Ianto stood at the bottom of the lift, waiting for it to lock down. "May I offer you tea or coffee, Doctor?"

"Ooo… tea would be lovely, just a dash of milk and a sprinkle of sugar please," the Doctor replied and then, "don't suppose you have any Jammy Dodgers on hand?" he asked hopefully.

"Always on hand for you, Doctor." Ianto turned smartly on his heel and went to the kitchen while Jack just stood there beaming like a proud uncle.

The Doctor looked around the Hub, taking the measure of those around him. Toshiko Sato, whom he'd met several years before when the Slitheen tried to sell the Earth for scrap; he was quite fond of the plucky little tech genius, she'd been very brave during the incident with the poor altered pig.

He turned his attention to Gwen Cooper, immediately seeing through the 'heart of Torchwood' persona that she wore, catching the covetous glances she kept throwing Jack's way. There was a dark aura about her that he found quite distasteful.

"Is Doctor Harper here?" The Time Lord looked around. "Autopsy Bay, correct?" He walked over to the railing and looked down. "Owen?"

"Huh?" The medic didn't bother looking away from his latest new video game; he was hot on the trail of a rather elusive alien beastie who ripped the heads off unsuspecting Scotsmen and sucked out their brains and he didn't want to lose the scent. He was on a roll; just two more kills and he would level up again.

"Catch!" The Doctor turned away and tossed something over his shoulder, knowing that Owen wouldn't be able to resist getting his hands on whatever it was.

Lightning reflexes honed by hundreds of hours spent using gaming weaponry kept the medic from being hit on the head by the Doctor's gift. "Oh brilliant, mate! Thanks!" Owen found himself the proud owner of an alien-produced video game in which the prey was human. "This is so sick!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hitchhiker**

Chapter Five

"Your tea, Doctor," Ianto appeared at the Time Lord's elbow, a china tea set and a plate of Jammy Dodgers on a small silver tray. "Where would you like to sit?"

"Hmmm…" He looked around the Hub. "Right here next to Miss Sato, if you don't mind, I have something special for her." He waited til Ianto had set the tray on the desk before sitting down himself, just then noticing that there were two tea cups waiting to be filled. He grinned up at the Welshman. "You really do know everything, don't you, Mr Jones."

"I do try, Sir." Ianto inclined his head.

"Betcha didn't know about this," the Doctor teased as he pulled a wrapped parcel from his coat pocket.

Ianto carefully opened the paper and found a packet of Antrox Coffee Peas, which according to the back label were grown on mountain peaks more than a mile high and watered by moisture from the clouds on the moons of Antroxia Nine. Ianto held the packet close to his nose and inhaled deeply. "Ahhh… I've never smelled anything like this before. I'm quite anxious to discover what it tastes like when brewed."

"They're very strong, so a little goes a long way. I'd start with about four peas ground into a half-teaspoon to start and go up or down from there, see what you like."

"Thank you very much, Doctor. This is indeed a treat." Ianto sketched a small bow before turning to show Jack the package, putting it under his nose so he could smell the rich scent. "How about we give it a try after dinner?"

"Oh, I wouldn't, if I were you, not if you want to sleep," the Doctor interrupted. "Very high caffeine contents, even for you coffee-guzzlers. Better for breakfast, I think."

"Well then, you can brew me a cup when we get up tomorrow morning, Yan." Jack bumped Ianto with his hip. "Maybe we can take it back to bed with us?"

Neither man noticed Gwen making a gagging sound as she glared at the couple although she tried to hide it with a cough when she realised that Tosh was looking at her.

"Now, Miss Sato…"

"Please, call me Toshiko," the Japanese woman smiled shyly, "or Tosh."

"Thank you, Toshiko." The Doctor handed Tosh a cup of tea and offered her the biscuit plate. "Now, I came across this in my travels…" He handed her a clear crystal disc.

"This is quite beautiful, Doctor, thank you." Tosh turned the disc over and examined both sides. "What exactly does it do, if I may ask?"

"Treat it just like a regular CD…" He watched as she placed it in the tray and then brought up the program it contained. "Now, this should be right up your alley…"

Lines of intricate code interspersed with complicated equations began scrolling across the screen and Tosh gasped with delight, fascinated by what she was seeing. The Doctor leaned in closer, pointing at one symbol in particular.

"Now I found this…" He was interrupted when Gwen cleared her throat quite loudly.

"Ahem!"

The Doctor and Tosh looked at one another in askance and then he slowly spun his chair so he was looking at Gwen. "Yes?"

"Did you forget something?" Gwen asked coyly, smiling brighly at the Time Lord. "Isn't there something in those magic pockets for me?"

"Are you ki…" The Time Lord shook himself. "Oh yes, of course, how thoughtless of me to not do this first." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a lollypop, a glow-in-the-daylight neon-coloured candy on a stick that continually changed colours going from orange to red to green to blue to yellow and then starting all over again. "Picked this little gem up at a village fete on Trindle-Kline in the Rotallian Sector." Seeing her bandaged ankle supported on a cushion atop her bottom desk drawer, the Doctor kindly walked it over to her.

"Oh!" Gwen grabbed it from him and held it up to the light, mesmerised by the changing colours. "Wooow!"

The Doctor waited a tick and then realised that unlike the others Gwen Cooper was not going to thank him, even if he hadn't given the gifts in order to be thanked. He sat back down and gratefully accepted his tea from Toshiko. "Thank you." He took a deep sip. "Aahh… just what I needed. Now, as I was saying…" He leaned in close to her and pointed again at the symbol paused on the screen. "This can be used to alter…"

Soon they were both so engrossed in examining the computer program that neither one noticed a small speck leave Tosh's collar and land on the Doctor's shoulder.

"Well, thanks for entertaining an old man, Jack," the Doctor clapped the former Time Agent on the shoulder as they rode the invisible lift back up to the Plass. "I had a great time."

"You should stay longer next time you're here." Jack was sincere. "You know you're always welcome, Doc."

They paused outside the doors to the TARDIS and the Time Lord looked at Jack. "I know I didn't give you anything like I did the others."

Jack chuckled. "Just seeing you again is gift enough, Doc."

"That is true," the Doctor agreed. "But not this time." He opened the doors and led Jack inside. "The TARDIS and I are offering you a trip to anywhere in the Universe you want to go for you and that lovely young Welshman of yours, and I'll even bring you back on time."

"On time?" Jack was sceptical; for a Time Lord, the Doctor's timing was atrocious.

"I give you my word," the Doctor held up his hand and then changed his mind, holding out his hand instead, with his little finger extended. "Saw some kids doing this this morning when I dropped Martha off to see her family. Pinkie swear!"

Jack laughed outright at the silliness of it all. "Pinkie swear!" he echoed as he linked his finger with the Doctor's. "All right then, I accept!"

"Brilliant!" The Doctor beamed. "You and Ianto decide when and where, or you can leave the where up to the old girl here," and he patted the TARDIS's console. "Let her surprise you?"

"It's a deal, Doc." Jack drew his friend into a hug. "Thank you."

The Doctor set the TARDIS into a stationary orbit on the far side of the moon, giving Martha plenty of time to spend with her family and meet her new niece. With a cup of tea and a good book, he settled back to relax for a while. Within moments, the words on the page began to blur together to slowly be replaced by fleeting images of a burnt orange sky… the Doctor blinked and focused on his book again. Less than two pages in, he found himself thinking about the way the glass dome that encased the Citadel would shine under the twin suns above Gallifrey.

"No…" He gave himself a good shake and drained his tea cup in a single big gulp. He looked up at the ceiling, "Play me some Mozart, please." Immediately soft music began to play and the Doctor sighed, settled deeper into his chair and picked up his book again. This time he never even read word one before the sounds of children playing filled his mind and he found himself walking through the main street of the local market, glancing back and forth at the stalls on either side. A painting caught his eye and he paused to look more closely at it, noticing that he'd stepped in front of a mother with her pram.

"Ouch!"

"I'm sorry, but you stopped right in the way and I couldn't move in time!" the woman exclaimed.

"No, I apologise, I should have been looking where I was going instead of staring at this picture." The Doctor peered into the pram, smiling at the sleeping baby. "No harm done, I see."

"No, he can sleep through anything." The woman steered her pram around the Doctor and continued on her way.

"You have a…" he called out after her. "…nice day…" His voice trailed off as he heard himself speaking out loud.

Back in the TARDIS's library, the Doctor shook himself. "What's going on here?" Suspicions began forming in his mind and he jumped up, dumping his book to the floor and hurried out of the room and down to the Medical Bay. "I need a full scan." He stood in the centre of the room with his feet spread and his arms out, waiting patiently for the scanner to sweep him from head to foot. When it finally beeped in completion, he hurried over to the monitor and brought up the results.

"A-hah!" he exclaimed as the TARDIS showed him a small glowing dot on the back of his neck. He searched through several drawers, rifling through their contents until he found just the right thing, pulling out a pair of long tweezers with a miniature suction cup on their end. Following the visual on the screen the Doctor reached behind his head and applied the suction cup, squeezing the tweezers and capturing the tiny being.

After dropping it into a small specimen jar and putting the lid on, the Doctor held it up to the light. "Well, hello there!" he exclaimed with delight. "I haven't seen one of your kind for ages! What are you doing way out here?"

The alien sparkled at him.

"Well, I'll be…" The Doctor nodded. "How about I take you home to your parents, yeah?"

Again the alien lit up, sparkling and glowing, bouncing up and down in the jar with excitement.

"You've probably been up to a bit of mischief, haven't you?" the Doctor chuckled, taking the jar with him to the console room. "Let's get you home before Martha knows I'm missing." He set the coordinates for Dyatlov Pass, home of the Dream Weavers. As adults, they left their planet and floated through space, hitchhiking on passers-by, whereupon they looked into the hearts and minds of whomever or whatever they landed on, discovering their fondest dreams, and then allowing the subject to live it in their imagination. He wasn't quite sure how such a juvenile hitchhiker had gotten off the planet but being quite inquisitive creatures he suspected it might have been exploring a tourist whose ship departed accidentally taking the youngling with it.

The Doctor noticed the Dream Weaver sparkling brightly in its jar and smiled. "I appreciate the offer, really I do, but I have no desire to see my dream. It's just too painful." He turned away quickly so the young alien wouldn't see the tears in his eyes.

Martha Jones slipped her key into the lock and felt the same wee jolt of excitement she did every time the TARDIS granted her entry. As she closed the doors securely behind her she also felt a welcoming hum coming from the ship herself. After tossing her coat onto a coral strut the way the Doctor always did she crossed over to the console and bumped him with her hip.

"So, what did you get up to while I was at home?"

"Not much, actually, cuppa tea, a good book, put my feet up for a bit." The Doctor spun a dial and peered at the overhanging screen. "Popped down to Cardiff for a quick top-up from the Rift. Jack says hello." He turned to look at her. "How was your visit?"

"It was nice to see everyone again, and the baby is just perfect!" Martha grinned happily, a look which then faded a bit. "Of course mum was full of her usual, 'it would be so nice to hold your baby, Martha', and 'how are you going to find a husband in outer space', and my favourite, 'you're not getting any younger, you know'." She shook her head with sad amusement. "Same questions, same answers, the world goes round."

"If you're truly interested I'm sure we could find you a nice alien out there somewhere," the Doctor offered with a grin. "Course you'd be the alien every time you go home to his family for the holidays!"

"Oi! Cheeky, you!" Martha laughed and held out a plastic dish. "These are from mum, she says you're too skinny."

"Ooooo!" The Doctor took off the lid and peered inside then sniffed deeply. "They smell wonderful… ummm… what are they?"

"Chelsea buns, three sweet and three savoury." Martha pointed, "these have dried cranberries, chopped apricots, and sultanas…"

The Doctor sniffed again. "I smell cinnamon and citrus too."

"Mum adds lemon zest to the fruit then coats it in cinnamon sugar before she spreads it on the dough," Martha explained. "Now these three are savoury, they have turkey, cranberry sauce and bit of onion and sage dressing."

"Oh that does sound absolutely scrummy!" He looked at her with delight. "Like having Christmas dinner in your hand!"

"She got the recipe from watching Paul Hollywood cooking in one of the Master Classes from the Great British Baking Show." Martha lowered her voice a bit and leaned in closer. "Personally, I think mum has a bit of a crush on the man, she watches every single thing he's in."

"Well, thank you, Martha! Thank you very much. This will be quite a treat!" He headed off down the hall toward the kitchen. "Just gonna pop these in the refrigerator for later."

"Don't forget mum wants her Tupperware back!" Martha called after his retreating back. "Do not put one of your experiments in it like last time!" The Doctor waved absently over his shoulder at her. "I mean it, mister!"

end


End file.
